god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
