I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
