True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
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