I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Randomize
