I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
