gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
