mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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