I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
