After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
