Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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