So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
