Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
