I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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