i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
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