An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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