i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
