Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
