On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
