i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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