umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
