mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
