you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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