I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize