I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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