I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
