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Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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