Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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