Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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