It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
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My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
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I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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