she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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