Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
