The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
