I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
