Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
