Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
