Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
