You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
