Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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