Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
