How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
