I just gift wrapped bread.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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