i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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