God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
