I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
