Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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