I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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