i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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