He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
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I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
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That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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