i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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