Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
