last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
