You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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