dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
My penis needs a shock collar
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
